


i'm about to fall apart (again)

by saintpyrite



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Drinking, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Slash, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27186037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintpyrite/pseuds/saintpyrite
Summary: Remus and Patton play a game of questions, though it comes with some heavy questions and even heavier answers.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	i'm about to fall apart (again)

“What’s the wrong thing you’ve ever said to somebody?”

The game was Remus’ suggestion, a little thing he’d thrown together. It was a simplistic game if you could even call it one, where a question would be thrown out and each person would take a card from the deck. The one with the lowest value card would have to answer, they couldn’t lie whatsoever. 

It was a good icebreaker, Remus and Patton never spent time alone where it was just the two of them. There was always a third person to break the tension as the two of them had nothing in common with one another as far as they knew. It was strange to think of them hanging out like this when Patton was closer with Roman or Virgil and Remus was often found in Janus’ or Logan’s company instead. Maybe the lack of familiarity is what drove Patton to come here though, showing up at Remus’ doorstep with a rucksack over his shoulder and asking for a place to sleep for the night.

It was easier to ask help from someone who didn’t have a real opinion on you, unlike Roman or Virgil who knew Patton and would be able to sense that he was cracking under the pressure. 

The lack of familiarity, the delicacy of the situation at hand, that’s why Patton had come down to stay in Remus’ rundown apartment on the rough side of town. The place looked as if it was falling apart in all honesty, though he wasn’t going to say anything when Remus was scraping by on three jobs. He wondered if Remus regretted dropping out of college, he never thought about asking him until now. Maybe that would be one of his questions later, for now, he was asking Remus about the worst thing he’d ever said to someone in this dingy, dimly lit apartment surrounded by empty beer cans and glass bottles.

“I told Roman he was the reason I wanted to kill myself once,” Remus took a swig from his can, contemplating on the answer. He’d gone through every vile thought, every cruel and twisted insult he could think of but that was definitely the worst of them all. Looking over at Patton, he remembered a time where the young man had been on the end of a few insults and yet here they were, sharing a few beers as if they were old friends and discussing heavy topics that would never see the light of day otherwise. It was funny how times changed people now that they were no longer in high school anymore.

“I’ve said a lot of bad things I regret, you know that,” Remus watched Patton toy with the pull-tab on his can, “I was always so  _ angry _ and so  _ bitter _ , I just felt as if everything I did was a stain on Roman’s  _ perfect _ existence without even considering how selfish that was. We were just kids, I should never have put that on him.”

Finishing off his can, Remus reached up to place it at the top of the tower they’d been fashioning out of the empty ones. Patton looked as if he wanted to say something, though the two just took a moment to appreciate the impressive beer can structure that was made to resemble Cinderella’s castle at Disneyworld. It was truly remarkable in the saddest way, though Patton was even more impressed by Remus’ strange sense of creativity that rivalled Roman’s own. It was sad to see that it was being wasted in dead-end jobs, Patton had heard plenty from Roman about how Remus was always the more artistic one whereas Roman was always the more musically inclined. 

Patton took the moment of silence to appreciate it, chugging down the rest of his beer as fast as he could so that his own can could join its brethren at the castle. Once he set it down, Patton looked over at Remus who smiled lazily at him with a shrug, as if what he had admitted was nothing new. He supposed it wasn’t to the likes of Remus.

“Just like you said though, you were both kids and you both went through a  _ lot _ growing up,” Patton wiped his hand down on his jeans, “You’re both doing so much better now, you rarely fight and I’ve never seen two brothers as close as you two. I’m almost jealous.”

Ah yes, this lack of familiarity entangled itself with the deep intimacy of these questions. The game probably  _ wasn’t _ the best thing for two drunk, depressed young adults but there was a reason alcohol was targeted at college students. Either way, this wasn’t what he envisioned for tonight but it felt  _ good _ to talk with someone this way without putting up walls to protect those around him. 

“I suppose so,” Remus shifted his weight and twisted so he could reach the cardboard crate of beer and drag it from the sofa to the floor. Patton wasn’t sure when they’d moved from the sofa to the floor but it made the game easier, they’d started off with silly and pointless questions that progressively got darker the more they drank, cans piling high. Neither of them had even realised they were in the lull that was three-forty in the morning. “Alright, next question then.”

It helped immensely that Remus never lingered in the tension, it never felt as if the heaviness was going to rest on them forever and suffocate them. It was a weight being lifted off of Patton’s chest more than anything else and he wondered why they’d never done this before, why he never bothered to do this type of thing with Remus earlier rather than spending nights alone. 

“Alright then,” Remus rubbed his hands together, “What’s the one thing you wish people would just  _ get _ when it comes to yourself?”

The pair reached for the deck, picking up their cards and counting down from three. On three, they both flipped their cards to reveal what they had got. Patton huffed when he saw it, pouting when he saw that his seven of hearts was facing off against Remus’ jack of clubs. Discarding the card into the pile, he found himself smiling when Remus chuckled to himself. 

Taking another can and pulling the tab, Patton hummed as he thought about the question. There were plenty of things people dismissed about him, things Patton wanted to show people or wanted them to  _ know _ but he had never been good at explaining it or putting his feelings into words.

“I wish they’d understand I’m not this naive or gullible idiot,” Patton said with confidence, “I  _ choose _ to see the good in people despite the bad, I don’t just pretend it doesn’t exist when I live it, you know?”

“You don’t want people thinking they have to protect you,” Remus finished for him.

“Exactly!” Patton sighed, at least someone understood what he was getting at, “I know that there are good parts about life and there are bad parts!”

“Oh, you mean bad parts like me?” Remus grinned, lop-sided and sincere with a hint of mischief. It made Patton’s insides twist with guilt, knowing he had such a poor opinion back in high school based on a surface level knowledge of his friend’s brother. Luckily, Remus didn’t appear to hold it against him given that they hung out in groups together and they were drinking together right now, sharing intimate details about themselves. No, there was definitely no bad blood between them but that voice in the back of Patton’s head kept telling him that Remus would have every right to hate him.

Remus’ voice pulled him from his train of thought, “Pat, relax; I was joking.

“I just--” Patton started off weak, knowing all his excuses would be flimsy and pointless but that didn’t stop him from trying. It’s only when Remus leaned over the coffee table to press a hand over his mouth that he was silenced, “Mm?”

“Patton, listen to me, okay?” Remus waited until Patton nodded, “It’s not a big deal that you didn’t like me when we were kids, I was bad news and you had every right to hate me but things are better now, we’re good now. I got my jobs, I have my own place, I take my medication and I’m clean now. It’s all coming up Remus so don’t feel as if you’ve got to make anything up to me, okay?”

There was a lull of silence between them as if Remus was making sure his words sunk in before he took his hand away. Before he could though, Patton in his frantic panic to ease the tension in the room licked his hand. The surprise on Remus’ face was worth it, even more so when he burst into hysterics. 

Remus grinned wickedly, holding eye contact with Patton as he brought his hand up to his lips and made a show of making out with his own hand before winking at Patton, “We kissed now, I’m going to have to break the news to Virgil that I’ve corrupted his friend with my wicked ways  _ and _ my wicked tongue.” 

Retaliating with a sharp kick to the shin, Patton smirked at the poor performance Remus put on as he howled dramatically, clutching his knee. He couldn’t suppress the laughter when Remus took it a step further, dropping to the floor on his side and pretending to die right there over a kicked shin. He had to put his beer down just so he wouldn’t drop it from laughing so hard, the two of them spending the next few minutes having a giggle fit until they were gasping for breath and red in the face from more than just the alcohol in their system. The atmosphere was at ease once more, the tension returned to being palatable and proved to be a good distraction from how deep of a rabbit hole Patton had stumbled in. 

Eventually, the two managed to regain their calm and Remus nodded towards the deck of cards on the floor, “Your turn to ask a question, Patton.”

Taking a deep breath, Patton picked his can back up to think on his question. He found himself watching Remus, a swell of gratitude in his chest as he observed him. Tonight had made him so grateful despite the vulnerability because he wasn’t alone in it. Patton was thankful that Remus never pressured him to answer the questions and there was a quality about him that made Patton feel as if it was alright to share without being a burden. Remus didn’t expect anything of him, maybe that’s why it was so easy to talk to him in the first place. It opened up a whole new revelation that made Patton realise there was no question that he wouldn’t answer if Remus asked.

“What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?”

Remus reached for his card first, Patton followed afterwards and they turned their cards on the count of three just like before. The two of them stared owlishly at the cards, both of them had managed to pull fours. Patton huffed with amusement, looking at Remus, “We could both answer?”

“I’ll go first then,” Remus offered when Patton hesitated with his answer, “Alright, the biggest lie I’ve ever told anyone was that I hated them when I was in love with them.”

That wasn’t the answer Patton expected, especially not someone as crude and carefree as Remus. Paired with the soft expression on his face, Remus looked sincere in his answer and the way he looked at Patton with those eyes made him feel just as vulnerable as Remus looked. It made Patton’s chest burn, a small ember that he tried to suffocate with alcohol. Patton could already hear Logan in the back of his head reprimanding him for trying to fix his emotions with booze.

“I’m not going to go into detail, I can’t ruin my reputation of being the guy who has a track record of guys that he’s gotten into bed or anything,” Remus chuckled, though there was something  _ sad _ about his laughter. “There was this  _ guy _ back in high school, someone I was drawn to…”

“I didn’t want to admit it though, I always thought he was too good for me so I just pushed him away and made him hate me.” Remus shrugged, twirling his own beer can around at the risk of knocking it over and spilling the alcohol everywhere, “I used to tell myself he was too good for someone as messed up as me but whenever I saw him, I wanted to be worthy of that love I denied myself. It messed with my head, spending years telling myself I didn’t deserve to be loved.”

There wasn’t much Patton could say, his heart ached for Remus and his unrequited love. He reached out across the floor for the other man’s hand, gently resting his own on top of it and running his thumb over the back of Remus’ hand. 

Offering a small smile when Remus looked up at him, “You deserve love, Remus. Everyone does. He didn’t know what he was missing out on.”

Remus smiled back, sheepish and uncertain but at ease with one another. They were both drunk, stupid and vulnerable right now and Patton couldn’t take back the words he had shared tonight just as much as Remus couldn’t but there was a mutual understanding that neither of them would want to. 

“Oh, he’s not missing out on much,” Remus huffed in what could  _ almost _ be laughter, “He was way out of my league then and he’s way too good for me now, I’ve just learned to live with it. Besides,  _ nobody _ would have wanted to date me then and it isn’t as if I’ve got much to offer now.”

“That’s not true,” Patton frowned.

“Isn’t it?” Remus retorted, eyebrow raised at him before taking another long drink, averting his gaze as he pulled his hand from under Patton’s hand. Averting his gaze as best as possible, “Eh, it’s just a silly crush anyway.”

“Is that code for you refusing to tell me who he is?”

With a smirk, “You catch on quick, Patty-Cake and now, I believe it’s your turn to answer the dreaded question.”

There was a minute of silence that felt as if it stretched on for hours, enough for Patton to think of three different ways he could escape the apartment and make a run for it. There were so many ways he could answer this question but he  _ knew _ his answer and that’s what made this feel so heavy, Remus’ eyes on him that made Patton feel bare and naked in his presence. Maybe he should have asked for a game of strip poker instead, it would have stripped him down far less than these questions did. 

Even so, Patton swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he realised he  _ wanted _ to tell Remus. The man had been so honest with him this entire time, no trace of a lie and nothing to suggest Remus hadn’t been sincere in his answers. It was the least Patton could do, to be just as honest with him as Remus had been. 

“I guess it would be,” Patton took a shaky breath, “The biggest lie I’ve ever told anyone is the one I tell myself every day, the lie that I’m always happy.”

God, you could cut the tension in this room with a knife. It felt so warm in here all of a sudden, suffocating as if the oxygen had been ripped right out of the room and Patton wanted to take it back but he couldn’t now, he’d already widened the cracks in the walls he’d worked so hard to build around himself. Instead, he tried to change the subject and forced a smile.

“I believe it’s your turn to ask a question now, Remus!”

Patton hoped everything could be forgotten, that they would brush over his answers and find themselves wrapped up in whatever question Remus would ask. He held up his can with a strained smile, an attempt to put the whole thing behind them for the time being so Patton wouldn’t have to confront his own undoing and he felt a little more at ease when Remus met him in the middle for the mock toast, the two of them throwing back the beers and adding the cans to the castle sculpture. 

Unfortunately, luck was not on his side when Remus finally came up with a question, “Do you know how it feels to wish for death every day?”

The question hit him like a freight train in the middle of winter, a harsh coldness that rammed into him full force with no intention of letting Patton recover. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Remus’ eyes, fearful that he’d be giving away the answer without leaving it up to the cards.

As before, the two reached for their cards. Patton’s hand was shaking as they counted down to three, it felt each number took an eternity in between and he wished it had been an eternity between each number as the cards turned against him, his meagre two of hearts didn’t stand a chance against the king of spades. Patton had effectively dug himself into a deep grave and he just kept digging, maybe he should have gone to Virgil’s place instead. 

Patton tried to occupy his hands, slumping against the sofa behind him as he averted Remus’ gaze, the man waiting patiently for him to say something. The patience made it worse, Patton had always been a terrible liar and lying made him feel  _ awful _ . It’d only be worse if he lied to Remus  _ now _ when the other man had been so open with him, talking about his struggles throughout high school and opening up to him about his difficulties throughout life. It wasn’t fair on Remus if Patton just evaded the question, even if Remus would allow him to do so. He was just scared of what Remus would say.

He looked over at Remus and saw the patience in his eyes and maybe, just this once, Patton could share this secret with someone. If it was Roman, there would have been fussing and worrying over his health. If Logan or Janus knew, they’d try to help him seek out a professional and pressure him before he was ready. Virgil would be the hardest to cope with, knowing full well his best friend would be riddled with anxiety for Patton’s safety when he’d been doing so well lately. Patton couldn’t do that to them. He didn’t want to do it to Remus either but he felt so safe to talk to in this way. 

He could trust Remus with this secret.

“I’m not ready to tell the others yet so you have to keep it quiet,” Patton started, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth and toying with the stray threads of his jeans. “Sometimes, I think…”

He looked over at Remus, expecting him to leap across the room from the floor and grab his phone to call Roman or maybe he’d demand answers, back Patton into a corner. None of those things happened, Remus just waited and gave a nod, encouraging him to continue with no pressure to do so. It was strangely calming, the dim light of the room bathing Remus in a halo of artificial light that might be the closest to holy that either of them could hope to achieve in their drunken stupor. It was a wonder Patton ever feared this man, had hated him ever. 

“I thought about killing myself,” Patton felt a weight lift from him and the walls come crumbling down to dust as tears began to well up in the corner of his eyes, his glasses fogging up and obscuring his vision. “I’ve thought about it a  _ lot _ , maybe every day and I just lost track. It’s not as if I can talk about it at home and I’d hate to worry the others, I’m scared they’d never look at me the same ever again. It’s as if everything just piles up and becomes this overwhelming pressure as if my head is a balloon and someone keeps filling it with even more air than it can handle.”

Digging his fingers tight into his knees, pulling himself into a tight ball and trying to hold back the wavering in his voice. Choking back a sob, “Sometimes I feel like it’d be just easier to  _ pop _ the balloon. I don’t  _ want _ to die, I know I don’t but I can’t help but think about it but then I feel guilty because if I did, everyone would be hurt so I start to hate myself even more because how can I think like this when I have so many good people in my life who love me and support me?”

He knocked his glasses askew to rub away the tears, taking them off after the frames began to dig into the side of his face. He couldn’t hold back now, tears were streaming down his face and he couldn’t stop the hiccuping between each sob as he tried to tell himself everything was  _ fine _ . It wasn’t fine, thinking this way was poisoning him but he just didn’t know what to do, who to tell, how to get the help he so desperately needed when the others needed him more. 

“If I tell them,” Patton hiccuped, no longer caring whether Remus was judging him or if he could even understand his babbling. The flood gates had been open and he needed to get it out in the open, “If they knew, I’m scared they’ll stop letting me help them but I  _ need _ to help them, it’s all I have!”

Patton wracked with shakes and tremors as he sobbed, heaving as he attempted to steady his breathing. He didn’t hear the cans clattering and crashing to the floor or the shuffling of a body moving across the floorboards until Remus’ warmth enveloped him and his embrace felt like a weighted blanket anchoring him down to reality. Peering up at Remus through blurred, glassy eyes, Patton reached out and wrapped his hands in Remus’ shirt, pulling himself into the other man as close as possible. He was surprised by how warm Remus was, part of him always imagined him to be cold to the touch. 

The two stayed this way in silence for what felt like the longest time, even when Patton had managed to calm down and steady his breathing. He wondered if Remus felt the same, thinking and wishing for death in an endless loop of guilt. He wondered if Remus had intrusive thoughts that plagued him the way they followed Patton like a dark shadow. Maybe they had more in common than he originally thought.

He didn’t ask though, instead, he reached around Remus to grab the deck of cards. Shuffling the deck and putting it down, Patton smiled up at Remus from where they moved themselves to sit comfortably against one another, Patton leaning into the other man’s side for comfort and warmth. 

“It’s your turn to ask a question.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of an angst request I wrote forever ago, I figured I'd rework some old fics and put them up here again just like Ouroboros Cycle.


End file.
